The Grammies!
I haven't live-blogged anything before, but I love awards shows and the Grammies most of all so here goes. Oh noes! They started with the reanimated corpse of Frank Sinatra!
Wait, wait, Alicia has lots of songs that aren't horrible, and a handful that are fantastic. Why is she being forced into the ghoulish duo pairing for the night?
There's a poor little kid in the corner of the band box on a baritone sax who looks really nervous, without even knowing he's in the corner of the frame with Alicia. You're on national TV, look happy!
Bring on Carrie Underpants! This is the most hackneyed, boring song possible. I know what it needs -- a little bit of Stomp! I think this song is supposed to be ominous or tough, but it just sounds so forced and horrible. She's got a strong voice, but keeps trying to oversing it for no reason. I am against this! Also, shouldn't she have to do an anti-violence PSA after this song? It's talking about smashing people's cars with baseball bats. I call racism.
Yay, it's Prince! The original pimp is here, y'all can just go home now. "Best Female R&B Performer gets to come home with me." And he loves Alicia, so it's good he gets to give her the award, which she damn well deserves. <3 MJB, but this is Alicia's 100%. Prince said, "Frank Sinatra looked pretty good for 150, didn't he?" Early favorite for best line of the night.
Alicia was gonna keep talking until they made her stop, as proved by the fact that she thanked the dudes who paste up posters of her in the street. That's... generous.
Oh hooray! A Chevy commercial using MJB's (awesome) "Just Fine". If I were in the market for a crappy car, this alone would be enough to put them on the top of my list.
I forgot Jimmy Jam was Chairman of the recording academy. OH SNAP IT'S THE TIME! Wait, Jerome has a little percussion set now? I hope he gets the mirror out for Rihanna. We're 20 minutes into the Grammies so far, and we've had Alicia Keys, Prince, The TIme and Rihanna. My iPod is smiling!
Woo, Rihanna! Is there anybody in pop music right now who's prettier than this girl? I say NO! Please please let them funk up Umbrella. And hooray, "Don't Stop The Music"... this actually seems like a medley that's not butchering all the original tunes. This song even has something for the Time to do. Hearing them do the end of "Wanna Be Startin' Something" makes me wish The Time has been the backing band for Michael Jackson at some point.
Whomever at Universal is responsible for having The TIme back Rihanna gets a free round of drinks on me.
Uh oh, Tom Hanks is on to talk about Old People. Fortunately he's taken some time out mock them for being Canadian. I am pretty sure I can't name any songs by The Band.
Now he's talking about The Beatles. I've heard of them! I am not as certain that th Beatles changed the history of our planet as Mr. Hanks said, but okay, we'll let it slide.
Theory: Cirque Du Soliel never works on TV. Let's test my theory! So far I'm winning. The only act was picking a woman up on a trapeze thingy, and I saw Fergie do that much. I wonder what percentage of today's functional VW bugs are used in Beatles-related nostalgia acts.
I was right. Cirque does not wirque. Hmm, "Let It Be" -- isn't Paul still alive? Would he just not agree to be in the building with Yoko? I like how much ego it takes to sustain a grudge for a third of a century. Some part of me also bristles at the cynicism of relying on black america's gospel tradition to elevate the Beatles' work, but I am about 40 years late to have an impact on that.
That have succeeded in goal of every tribute, though -- they made the object of their adoration seem boring as shit.
Hmm, whom to inflict the best new artist curse on? Let's inflict it on Feist, just so we don't curse Amy Winehouse further. Wait, Cyndi, isn't it bad form to root for one of the nominees to win when you're presenting the award? Nevertheless, Winehouse wins.
Would anybody have predicted that Jason Bateman would be the Bateman who would still have a career 20 years after the heydey of Family Ties? Not me! He's threatening us with the Foo Fighters, whom I love, so that's okay. Though I think they will be paired with some reality show contest winner, which is less okay. They inflicted this on Justin Timberlake last year, and it wasn't okay then, either.
Oh no, I think we have our worst case, a justification for asian parents to force their kids to learn string instruments. nooo! Also, what kind of rocking out are these kids gonna do with string instruments? None, I say, even with JPJ helming the orchestra.
Ooh, it's Daft Punk's scary pyramid! Kickass! Only Kanye will be able to segue that into a moving tribute to his mother. Kanye's light-up outfit is cool, I must admit. Kanye's got the energy level that Carrie Underwood didn't, even with almost nothing going on behind him so far.
So, kids know those two dudes in the Tron suits aren't really doing anything that has to do with the music you're hearing, right? Do kids know Daft Punk is? Disappointing that Kanye didn't do the "since Prince was on Apollonia" line, though.
Man, Kanye knows how to stage "Hey, Mama". This is beautiful. I think Kanye just dropped one of the best hip hop performances ever on the Grammies, especially since they let him just do his thing.
And on the opposite extreme, Fergie, the worst person alive! Run away, John Legend, before she makes you age 100 years in a day like she has! She needs to lay off the botox or collagen or whatever the hell it is. And uh oh, best soundtrack.... this one's always a snoozer.
Hey, know knew George Martin was still alive? Not me! There's a really interesting weird dynamic with Ringo still basically telling Martin when to speak and when to stop speaking.
Cher making self-deprecating jokes about her age never gets... old. And now it's Beyonce! Woot! It's like House of Dereon has a whole wing dedicated to making unflattering outfits for Beyonce. Also, how's she gonna introduce Tina Turner and not mention her legs?
I love Tina, but they could probably have found a drag queen who would look more convincing, given all the botox here. This Cowardly Lion look for Tina isn't a good thing, especially in the Tin Man outfit.
I think we should go back to Beyonce singing exposition. Maybe she could do a medley about the voting rules for the Recording Academy! Now she's back out with Tina, and it's kind of striking how, similar as they are, I think Beyonce has even more charisma than Tina did at her peak. She's just on another level.
Another performance with way more energy than Carrie Underwood's boring ass. Also, isn't Beyonce's mom's name "Tina"? They should have worked that into the pointless narrative intro. Watching this performance also makes me suspect that Tina's choreography for "Proud Mary" probably hasn't changed in 30+ years.
Nelly Furtado! No performance? Andy Williams is looking like Skeletor's dad. Some yawnfest about Burt Bacharach. Oh hey, song of the year! Have any two nominees stunk of one-hit-wonder as strongly as "Hey There Delilah" and that Corinne Bailey Rae single? LOL! Another Winehouse win. They are setting up for one of the great trainwrecks of all time if she goes off the rails in her live slot.
<3 Dave Grohl. He's enduring the ignominy of being someone's reality show prize pretty well. I am kind of over his unkempt hair/beard phase, though. Clean it up, Dave! Can't front on the Foo Fighters, they always bring it. Even with the boring Grammy Moment interlude, they rocked out. Hooray!
George Lopez? Wow, he's unfunny right from jump. Introducing Brad Paisley, who I find it hard to get excited about at all. Gets points for the shiny shirt, loses points for the ugly guitar. Paisley seems to just be doing a stock version of his single, nothing particularly exciting or amped up for the Grammies. This is the big show, Brad, act like it!
Boring piece over, Salonge, Chris Brown, and Akon are out. Three of the most overrated acts in R&B right now! And Chris steps on his nominal tribute to Jazzy Jeff and Fresh Prince. Good nominees, though -- Common and Jay Z and Nas and T.I. and Kanye all did really strong records. Naturally, Kayne wins. His head says "MAMA". That's alright. He even got 'em to stop the music!
Wait, now -- did they introduce Ludacris as "Chris Bridges"? That's a sign my boy is trying to go mainstream in a big way. A little happy crappy about Cab Calloway, and now Aretha. Sweet.
On second thought, not so sweet. Kinda tedious. But hey -- a real horn group on primetime TV. I'll count that as a win. Okay, the gospel section is dragging into tedium now. Just once, I wish they'd feature the praise music of another faith -- where's the Buddhist hymns segment? Well, we're into the tedious requisite rave-up ending vamp, so this can't last much longer. Let's squeeze a little bit more histrionics out of Aretha and we're good.
Uh oh, they're threatening us with bluegrass. Earl Scruggs is going to get 20 seconds of love. Aaaaaand Feist. If she wins anything, she should thank Steve Jobs. Is anybody not tired of 1,2,3,4 yet?
Oh christ, awful things are happening with Kid Rock. I can't believe, either, that he's so much less funny than his brother Chris. Oh man, and now it's Dave Koz! This is like a pile of the worst things they can do to me, all at once. And is Kid Rock really flirting with this matronly woman old enough to be his mom? The best part is that Dave Koz is on stage and wasn't even on camera. No better way to flatter a woman than to say she's "still sexy", Kid. You detestable cretin.
Hmm, Best Rock Album. All pretty good nominees. Foo Fighters FTW! They look genuinely happy. Some old dude in a suit has followed them onstage -- he must be the producer. Andthere are apparently like 50 guys in Foo Fighters now?
Twenty-five time Grammy winner Stevie Wonder. They should retire his jersey. Is he going to do his "trying to read" schtick? Nope, some kind of nod to Berry Gordy. Will they mention that he's a manipulative tyrant? That was the shortest Industry Icon tribute ever. Gimme Alicia! I'll take John Mayer if we have to do it to get Alicia. I was kinda half-hoping she'd do a "Like You'll Never See Me/Purple Rain" mashup, but I'm guessing she doesn't want to admit she cribbed those notes. This is a nice rearrangement of "No One".
Now the big question is whether she can keep from trying to dance, because girlfriend jut can't dance. And they always want to anchor her to that damn keyboard -- we know she can play, people! Let her just perform. Being tethered to the keys gets in the peforming an anthem.
Crap, worst-case scenario... John Mayer is trying to be Prince on No One. The song can definitely benefit from a guitar solo, just as long as he keeps it in check. I liked this performance, but it was probably a lot better in person than on TV.
Aw crap, I don't care about Ringo Starr, but Dave Stewart I'm actually a fan of, and he's making me feel old. This year's country album nominations seem really uninspiring. The young big-hat guys are just not doing anything that breaks out -- giving it to Vince Gill is as good an idea as any.
OH SNAP Vince Gill calls out Kanye West, "I just got an award given to me by a Beatle. Have you had that happen to you yet, Kanye?" Okay, he's winning best line of the night so far. And on that note, we go to commercial. I gotta say, I'm feeling this horrible movie with the sabre-toothed tigers and wooly mammoths and shit. Opening Night!
Something tedious is going on with Joe Mantegna and Itzhak Perelman. Moving on! We're into a Gershwin nod with Herbie Hancock. This is the most airtime a clarinet player has gotten on mainstream TV in probably 40 years. Go, woodwinds! On a positive side, the direction on this is great -- top-down on two concert grands is a really beautiful image.
There you go! Umbella gets a well-deserved win. Rihanna is just such a charming kid to watch, and it was the best rap/sung collaboration of the year. And nobody else could stiff-arm Sean Carter. So good.
We're back from commercial with Cuba Gooding, Jr. Remember when he used to be an Oscar winner? Good times! And now, the shuffling remains of Amy Winehouse! So far, she looks downright functional. Creepy skinny, skeletal, unhealthy, but able to work.
I am pretty sure she's reading the lyrics off a low monitor, but that's not the end of the world. Her backup singers seem to be overcompensating with some egregiously overwrought dancing that makes the song seem more frantic than it is. There's also some truly terrible direction that's showing us closeups of the hardware on some saxophones. I don't know what the point of that is.
If she can struggle her way through "Rehab", she's home free. It seems touch-and-go -- her voice isn't perfect, but good enough. A return to the bad shot of the horn players shows them reading sheet music. Shouldn't they know their parts on her signature song by this point? Maybe they're just session players hired for the night. She wraps up, and the U.K. audience leaps to their feet, apparently largely applauding the fact that she made it through.
They cut to Tony Bennett and Natalie Cole. Even with a combined age of ~150, they look much better than Amy did. They're gearing up for Record of the Year! "Irreplaceable", "The Pretender", "Umbrella", "Goes Around Comes Around" and "Rehab" all deserve it. It's a good thing Amy just won, I wouldn't want any discord in the Jay-Z/Beyonce household. Wow, Winehouse looks genuinely excited! At least she's not that lost.
This, apparently, is for London. Very well. Nobody knows what she's saying anyway, let's cut back to L.A. They segue from Amy Winehouse to the parade of dead people... there's a joke here, but I'm not making it.
Speaking of dead dudes, President and CEO of the recording academy is trotted out. There are 110 Grammy categories -- and yet people still get excited when they win! Let's enjoy the boring explanation. Then he promises radio royalties to artists and everybody claps. Hint: If you're counting on terrestrial radio as a revenue stream in the future, you're not going to outlast Amy Winehouse, mon ami.
Wait, this is the real Parade of Dead People. Sweet! Let's see who gets the most popular applause.
Hmm, Pavarotti tribute. This could go either way. Meh, it turns out fine. Not extraordinary, but fine.
Oh hey, nice to see Bonnie Raitt. John Fogerty, Jerry Lee Lewis and Little Richard. Odds of tedium: High. Whoa... Jerry Lee Lewis sounds/looks terrible. Good thing rock&roll isn't about dignity, or this would be depressing. Let's see how feminine Little Richard looks next. Huh, he's in pretty good voice and completely fine on playing. Good for him.
Holy crap, Will.I.Am is the worst thing that ever happened to the world. Not only is Fergie his fault, he's desecrating a full 50 years of great songs. Even this audience isn't willing to indulge him. But here comes Usher and Q to save us! Quincy's looking a little older, but so far they've done a good job with the intros. Herbie Hancock? Incorrect. This will set a new standard for the Grammies being an example of irrelevance.
Herbie, naturally, sees it as an affirmation, after 43 years, of jazz albums being worthy of being album of the year. Meh. He even appropriates Obama. The thing that's made me so sad about Herbie for years is how incoherent and spacey he has been for years, but at least he can't do too much to make himself seem like even more of a cadet. And now they're chasing him offstage.
Well, looks like it's all over except for some poor sap forced into a perfunctory goodbye at the end. Let's see this through, since we're already 3.5 hours in. Nope, nothing but fine print! That's a wrap. No big huge winners, but Winehouse will see some big play, and there were a handful of good performances. I'm kind of glad we've avoided this Sgt. Pepper's mishmash for the most part. Even the audience in the auditorium hasn't stuck around for it.
Comments
Flight of the Conchords won something, I don't need to watch... not that I was
planning to anyway!